When technology fails, cheesecake prevails

In other words, I was planning to put here something that I had saved on my flashdrive, but the powers that be have decided that it's not going to happen.

Rejoice and be merry, for we are in the computer age, and it is a righteous time of error messages and wingdings.

Thankfully, I am not (quite) a one trick pony, and come bearing news of one of my favorite desserts. Oh yes, I come to you with the knowledge and power of cheesecake.

Cheesecake seems to be one of those desserts that people love and hate in equal proportions. If it's good, it's really good. People "ooh" and "aah" and otherwise are swooned by your culinary prowess.

On the other hand, people seem to be put off by the (seemingly) daunting task of creating such an envied treat.

I'm not going to say that things can't go wrong, but I am going to say that, with a little forethought and good sense of what you're doing, you'll get the end result that you (and all the rest of us) so desperately crave.

So where's it all start? What makes this dish so touchy? What is it in the first place? The answer to this last question is the answer to all the rest. I remember a couple years back (now please, don't ask me how this actually happened, but...) I was watching the Martha Stewart show. This very question (or rather, "is cheesecake a cake or a pie?") came up. I was pleased with myself to be able to answer the question before Martha had a chance to pipe up.

It is neither. A cheesecake is, in fact, a custard.

Now what is a custard? The simplest and most basic answer to this is a simple equation: Egg + Dairy + Cooking = Custard. There are, of course, other common ingredients (sugar being a biggy).

Likewise, in the world of custard there are two families (luckily, no feud is going on here). On one side we have stirred custards (easy enough - they're stirred while you cook them) like pudding and zabaglione (which is actually made with wine rather than dairy). On the other side we have unstirred custards (take a guess how you pull that one off) like the cheesecake, creme brulee, and even savories like quiche.

To make the perfect cheesecake, one must first endeaver an anatomy lesson. Don't worry, there's not much to it. A simple cheesecake only has a few ingredients.

Cream Cheese: This is rather important, as it's a cheesecake you're making. Cream cheese is the bulk material you're working with. It gives a good, creamy texture and moderate (and easily altered) flavor. If there's one thing I've learned, it's to not skimp on quality. I've tried the cheap stuff. I've sat with my mixer (granted, not a stand mixer) for minutes on end (when you're mixing roughly four cups of something, it doesn't take a long time to be a long time), and even worked it all through a seive that could double as a fencing mask.

There were still lumps.

For the love of all that is right and good in the world, buy the good stuff. It will make a difference. It will make all of the difference.

Thank you.

Next up, the eggs: these guys are the structure. Proteins in the eggs (after mixing and baking) are laced throughout the custard, acting as I-beams. The thing is, egg protein isn't exactly a quick-drying cement (culinarily speaking, of course). You'll need to give it a nice, long rest in the refrigerator to make sure everything sets up (unless, of course, you were planning on serving soup for dessert). I'm talking hours here. Unless I'm in dire straights, I always let it set overnight. Toss a towel over the top to keep a film from forming (or wrap in plastic, aluminum, or whatever else you happen to have around), and let it set. Patience is a virtue, and will be rewarded.

Third, sugar: do I really need to talk about this one? It's sugar. It's sweet. It's a good thing.

Lastly, flavoring: For a "classic" cheesecake, this is as simple as a little vanilla (the good stuff is prefered). You can, of course, use anything you like. Chocolate, pumpkin, lemon, strawberry, shnozeberry... anything that you like.

Now, on to the method (and the tricks that will keep you in good custard til the end of time).

First comes assembly of the goods. First into the pan (I use a spring-form pan, but I also water-proof it) goes a nice layer of non-stick spray on the bottom. Then in goes the crust (I'm a fan of nuts, myself, but personal choice and other flavors involved make the end decision). This should be baked for 10-15 minutes before the custard goes in (otherwise it's not really going to get the attention it deserves).

Next spray the sides of the pan with the non-stick spray and pour in the custard. This then goes back into the oven. But first, we need to set ourselves up now to have the cheesecake of our dreams in the future.

Even cooking is important. Gentle even cooking is better. The best way to do this? Waterbath.

It's easy to set up. Grab your pan and some sort of vessel (roasting pans are nice) that said pan will fit in. Place the cheesecake pan* inside the large pan and then fill it (no, not the pan with the cheesecake in it) with boiling water. Make sure that the water is even with the cheesecake, otherwise it won't do you any good (the top, not surrounded by water, will cook differently than the rest). Then into the oven (preheated to 350) we go.

*As I mentioned before, I like to use a spring-form pan for easy removal later. This alone, however, does tend to lead to (at least partially) soggy dessert. Fear not, for I shall not leave you to tackle this task alone. Waterproofing your spring-form is as easy as ripping off a sheet of aluminum foil. The foil needs to be wide enough for the pan to sit in the middle of the square and have enough room on either side to come close to the top (at least higher than the water will come). Fold the foil up and push it as tight against the pan as you can - if possible, fold it over the top lip a bit. All you have to do is make sure that the crease on the bottom isn't actually touched by the water and you're good. I'll note that I've tried using the same method with plastic wrap and a rubber band to hold it in place, but the rubber band broke apart sometime during the cooking process. For me, foil is definitely the way to go.

Now a quick note on the waterbath. The point of it is that you won't actually be cooking at 350. Water boils at 212, and stays there. Ergo, the cheesecake is cooking at 212. It's very gentle, very even, and makes for a very smooth, creamy cheesecake. This is why having the water level up to the top is very important... I've made that mistake myself in the past (when I was first fidgiting with my existing recipe) and got something that was kind of a frankenstein half-smooth half-cakey concoction. Still tasted alright, but if you want that creamy texture, you'll want the waterbath.

For how long do you bake it, you ask? Well. For a normal (and by normal I mean 10-11" pan) cheesecake I set my timer for 40 minutes. At this point it shouldn't be done, but I like to err on the side of caution. It should take about 50 minutes to 1 hour to be fully cooked. Pleast note that "fully cooked" may not look (and in fact shouldn't look) "fully cooked". Like all things egg, "done in the pan is overdone on the plate". It should be firm to the touch, but just a tad jiggly. Practice makes perfect on this one. The waterbath (ie, the even cooking) will give you some leeway here.

If it does happen to overcook, you may get some breakage across the top. It's not pretty, but that's about the extent of it. It just means that the egg proteins tightened a bit too much during the cooking process and in the end pulled the custard apartin a few places. It can be covered with a topping of your choice (maybe a nice fruit glaze or sour cream topping). If you watch it, though, you won't have to worry about it in the first place.

Now, I said it before and I'll say it again - once it's out of the oven, let it rest. Overnight if possible. Those eggs need a lot of time to set up, and if you cut it too early you're shooting yourself in the foot.

That's really all there is to it. It takes a bit of work and a lot of patience, but with these and a few tricks along the way you'll have yourself a dessert that's well worth the effort.