A pepper by any other name...

Is a completely different pepper, apparently.



I don't know who had the bright idea of renaming peppers once you've applied some sort of cookery to them (what's that, a smoked jalepeno? Noooo friend, *that* is a chipotle!).



Then again, we do it with meats too (I guess 'bacon' has a better ring to it than 'cold-smoked pork belly strips').



It's probably just the language barrier (you'd think a minor in Spanish would have prepared me to remember a few choice words), but I always have to think before I speak when talking about (or attempting to talk about, at least) peppers.



Of course, I can't stay mad long at something that yeilds such delicious spices and flavors. I've always been a fan of paprika. Granted, I've never really used it much (although it does make some delicious croutons at work, combined with a few other seasonings). Just for the record, paprika is a spice of dried sweet chilies. It has a very characterful aroma that makes me want to sit and ponder over the culinary possibilities.



Speaking of sweet chilies, though, I have to wonder - just how many aren't sweet? Now I know most people would classify most as "hot" rather than... well... anything else... but even those that will send you running toward the nearest fire hydrant generally have some sweetness to them. Peppers are, afterall, technically a fruit. Go figure.



Both the hottest (or rather, spiciest) and suprisingly sweetest (that is to say, most suprisingly sweet, not necessarily the sweetest) pepper I've ever eaten is the jabanero. Mind you, it was a very, very small piece, but when prepared for such I have somewhat of a tolerance for the Chuck Norris-style round-house kick to the throat that these things tend to provide. If you snuck one into my milkshake, then maybe I'd start to cry (or maybe not... keep reading).



So yes, there was a distinct burning sensation, but looking past that (or tasting past that, rather) I could actually taste the flavor and sweetness of the pepper. Of course, for those of you who aren't either Catholic or masochistic and like to enjoy the finer things in life (like dinner), there are ways around the heat. Namely, a sharp knife (and maybe a pair of disposable gloves).



See now, all that heat is packed into the seeds and inner membrane of the pepper; the flesh is actually very flavorful and sweet. So, if you want the flavor without the pain, all you have to do is cut out said seeds and membrane (that is, the weird looking white-ish stuff running along the insides of the peppers). This may not be completely foolproof (especially on some of the really fiesty ones), but it will definitely reduce the tears that follow.



And please, please please please, PLEASE - wash your hands. Twice. Okay, once will do it, but do it well. After fiddling with those seeds and pepper-insides and whatsuch, clean your hands, the knife, the cutting board, the cat that brushed by while you were working, all of it. Trust me, you do not want to clean out a jalepeno, forget about it, then rub your eyes. Unless, of course, you really *are* a masochist. Even then, though, I'd suggest working up to it. Maybe start with hot sewing needles first. Just trust me, you don't want those burnination chemicals to get spread around in unwanted places.



Also, if you find yourself in a nasty spot where one-too-many peppers got dropped in the pot and your tastebuds are being ravaged as a result, fear not; there is a cure. Sort of. It's been tested before (by other people, who get paid to do this sort of thing) and you'd be surprised by what works.



Chugging water is pretty useless - those chemicals that cause all the burn aren't water soluble - they're actually alcohol-soluble.

But don't let that make you think you have an excuse to down a six-pack (although it'd probably take that much). Unless you're reaching for grain alcohol, the content will be too low to do you much good before you're passed out anyway.

So what's the solution? Milk.

Yeah, I know, I thought it was weird too. Something in there binds with the burny stuff, and all other sorts of scientific things that I would only confuse you and myself by getting into. Long story short, if you swish some milk and spit it out, it should take the heat out with it.



Huzzah. The beast is dead. Long live the king.



So fear not, gentle readers, for the peppers before you can be calmed. Or not, maybe you like spicy. Either way, go forth and enjoy.